Thanks so much to everyone who commented and supported me. This morning as I was going to work I was thinking, "Mmm. Did I really write all that personal stuff last night? Maybe I should take it down or they'll think I've lost my damn mind." It means a lot that you guys are behind me in talking about this. And also, I think all of you are gorgeous, beautiful women, with or without food/body issues.
I honestly am hoping that talking about it will help. Last night I hit a point where I was like, "damn, something, anything needs to change." My podcast yoga instructor is always telling us, "If you do what you always do, you'll get what you've always gotten." And what I am doing, not so good in the results department, so we'll see where this blog takes us.
Today on my walk with Masala, I started thinking of ways to occupy my time at night that don't involve eating nearly an entire bag of pretzel chips.
So far I've come up with this:
* Writing about wanting to eat pretzel chips on this blog
* Compiling new workout mixes on my mp3 player
* Cleaning the house (this...will never happen, at least not at 9pm on a work night)
* Practising Masala's frisbee-catching skills
* Reading (The problem here is that I like to have something to nibble while I read. I don't know why, it's just more of an "event")
Ok, that's not a lot, but it's a start. I also need to find other ways to reward myself and to deal with emotion - I'm totally a person that eats both when happy and sad. Honestly, I don't have a problem with celebratory eating or binges every once in awhile. I think that's simply part of life. My difficulty is that lately it's more and more frequent and the compulsiveness with which I eat...almost no disregard to what I'm actually doing or tasting...that's what's disturbing me. I think in many ways food is just my self-medication; it's my alcohol, my crack, my addiction, except that I can't totally quit food, I've just got to learn how to eat it properly.
Enough self-analysis already. Lost is premiering in like 3 minutes and I need to assume the position on the couch. (Sans pretzel chips)
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3 comments:
Is there a particular feeling you have before you get the urge? Like can you identify a certain emotion - like anxiety or sadness or loneliness - that triggers it? If so, maybe you can redirect that energy.
Like once, when I was feeling really anxious, every time I would get anxious, I'd start making one of those styrofoam Christmas ornaments with the pushpins and the sequins (it was around the holidays). And I made about 4 or 5 ornaments, but it helped.
Hooray for starting this blog! I could have a whole blog on food issues myself. It is something I struggle with every day and I finally recognized in the last year or so that food is definitely my big addiction. I could write pages about my food and body image issues (I was borderline anorexic at one point in college, and I still routinely call myself fat, something I try every day not to do) so I really appreciate having someone to share all of this with. I applaud your honesty and bravery!
Honestly, Ash, I can't pinpoint a particular emotion except boredom. It's literally like I have nothing else to do and nothing seems exciting except eating a new flavor (and I feel too lazy to clean, do laundry). Obviously this is probably intrinsically linked to loneliness, but you know, at the time I can't say that I "feel" lonely - and it may be that calling a friend isn't a way I feel like channeling the energy because I do sort of at the time want to be alone (and is thus therefore linked to depression as well?). Wow. That syntax sort of sucked. Eh. Oh well.
What I'm trying to do is to first recognize the moment it begins to happen - because there is a moment when I know I cross a line. Then I'm trying to take control of that moment - to overcome this sensation that "I cannot stop what I'm doing." That's where I'm at now, learning to put the brakes on , to force myself to accept that I'm no longer hungry.
Also, bizarrely enough, chewing gum may help as well. It's an experiment that I'm working on and I'll let you know how it pans out.
Jenn (and everyone else) - thanks for coming out and sharing your own issues. I'm really psyched about all the support from you guys; it really does help to not feel like an aberration and to know I'm not the only person to go through these things.
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