I have food issues. I suppose I always have. I was a chubby little girl until high school when I began to have "curves" and got more intense with sports. Throughout college and thereafter I yo-yo-ed, depending on how often I was working out. About six years ago I got my weight under control and have not really changed sizes very much in that time.
My current issue has been around probably my entire life, but it is only within the last couple of years that I have noticed it's existence. I binge eat. It usually lasts 20-45 minutes, but has gone on longer. It used to happen only during periods of high stress - like when I was really overworked in law school and kind of procrastinating doing my reading or studying.
Lately, though, it seems to happen every night. At this point I'm not sure if I'm doing it because I do it or because I expect myself to do it. I know it's coming and I try to steel myself against it. But I can't. I think of a food that I have in my pantry, and it doesn't even occur to me not to eat it. Ok, it occurs to me, but that thought is ridiculous at the time. There is no way I cannot eat it once it enters my head.
Normally it starts off healthy. I have just finished showering post-work out and it's dinnertime. I eat dinner. Sometimes dinner is the catalyst and I'll just keep eating and eating until I feel as big as my house. Sometimes I quit eating dinner after a normal amount and the binge happens two hours later when I feel "snacky."
Here's the thing: I'm not even really sure if it's a problem or just something I've created. I mean, I'm pretty sure it's a problem, because it makes me feel guilty and crappy about myself, but biologically, it's unclear. I'm not overweight. The stuff I eat is pretty healthy, relatively speaking (I mean, who binges on cottage cheese and Triscuits? LAME.). I also work out a fair amount. I walk the dog for about an hour every day and 4-5 days a week I work out an hour or hour and a half at the gym (or yoga) as well. So far, my clothes fit fine. For all I know, I'm miscalculating my caloric intake and the binge is just due to needing more calories because my metabolism is high these days.
But I'm scared. I don't like this behavior, and I know that soon enough it's going to catch up with me. Luckily, I can't make myself throw up, so I'm not in any danger of developing bulimia (and well, I clearly have no willpower, so I won't be anorexic anytime soon). Truth be told, I have tried it, though. Once I even looked up on the internet and tried to make a concoction to make myself puke. I learned my lesson: that shit was NASTY and I didn't even drink it all. Worst of all, it only made me nauseous, and I never puked. (Clearly, that is its own problem, but seriously, attempts or thoughts to attempt puking have not happened in a long while, though I will cop to wishing I could because I felt so gross afterward.)
Truth be told, it does get worse the week before my period (TMI: which happens to be now), and that's when I get most down on myself. Also, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that it's probably triggered by being in a new town...feelings of loneliness, boredom, and super-stress at work (which is killing me emotionally these days).
The point of all this rambling: I'm starting this blog to help myself deal with the urge to binge. It is here that I will try to come and vent instead of to the cabinet or refrigerator. It is here that I might confess my latest intake. It is here that I hope to document my successes. Because I have so much else to say and did not want this to begin to define my original blog, I created this space for eating issue purposes only. I don't know how often I will update, just as often as I feel the need to I suppose.
I invite anyone to comment whatever they like on this blog (and hell, do so anonymously, I don't care). If you can relate, please, please do so. If you want to give advice, I'm all ears. Honestly, if you want to tell me to PUT THE PEANUT BUTTER DOWN YOU FAT BITCH, then maybe I need to hear it.
Welcome to my nightmare.
5 comments:
I think you are a brave girl, Nikkers.
Would it help you if I were to tell you how horrible I eat? Because I'll do it. I swear I will. I will pull that trigger. (gulp!) oh geez, unintentional pun
Very brave indeed and I'm proud of you for putting yourself out there and facing these issues head on - before they might turn into a bigger problem.
It helps me to know someone else struggles with these issues, because I know a lot about what you are talking about. I think you and I have both stuggled with weight (although you less so, because you have maintained for so long now, but I guess I do have two pregnancies to "blame" my fluctuations on) and enjoying food so much - because we are shorter, we don't have as much body to stretch it across (that's my story and I'm sticking to it!) So thank you for facing this for all of us and for giving us an outlet and knowing we aren't alone.
Nik, I empathize with you. When I was having panic attacks almost every night, I started to wonder if I was making myself. Was it psychosomatic?
It could be a manifestation of stress - could be where you're channeling your excess agitation and frustration.
It's brave of you to talk - not easy I'm sure. We're all here for you...and I just wanted to say that because I know when I was going through rough times, the cyber support was very, very welcome.
First, please don't refer to yourself as "fat" ever again. Coming from a real fat girl--I understand the obsession side of it. My problem is a little different than yours though. I have all of these hormonal problems that causes my body to put on weight, and now I'm afraid to eat at all. But I am also a very emotional eater--when I'm happy I want to eat, or when I'm sad. I think you are too. You may have hit something with the moving to new town stuff. I'm so proud of you for talking about this--I know I need to! Ok if I write any more, I'll have to start my own blog on this . . .
ps - Your blog doesn't allow anonymous comments - just for those who may wish to do so at some point.
Nik - you are so brave to come out and say what you've said here. So many of us have dealt with food issues throughout our lives - and you know that we can all relate to what you're feeling! Kudos to you for having the guts to blog about it.
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