Guilt

Last week I went for my dreaded annual check-up. It was my first visit with this doctor; he ended up looking like a "woodsy" version of McSteamy, with slightly less muscular build, so needless to say the visit was more pleasant than I anticipated. ANYWAY, the point is that during the Q/A before the exam, the nurse asked me if I drink caffeine. I told her "2 cups of tea, maximum, per week." This was totally true. In fact, before I started my job, I'd say that even 1 cup of tea per week was unusual.

Now, just one week later, and I'm thinking I may need to revise my stance on this with the doctor. I've found that a glass of tea with lunch helps to curb afternoon snacking in the office - and since I also found out that I've officially gained 10 lbs since starting work, well, I'm beginning to think that drinking that glass of tea with lunch ain't such a bad idea.

Of course, me being me, I feel bad about this. Do I need to call the nurse and have her change my profile? Does this change anything? Is this maybe not the best idea for weight loss? Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

And there's more. Those 10 extra pounds - I gotta lose 'em. My clothes are becoming snugger and I simply can't afford to buy new suits. Also, bathing suit season is coming up, and it's best if I can stand to look in the mirror without complete and utter self-loathing. This means I've put myself on a strict gym regiment. I'm not overdoing it; I'm just forcing myself to go more frequently and re-shaping some of my food choices.

Today was supposed to be a "weights" day at the gym. I hate weights day. It's boring and I don't feel like I get as good of a workout as I do when I do cardio. Sometimes I add a little cardio at the end, but today I wasn't going to have time. Well, this evening I arrived home to find the grossest puppy wasteland you have ever seen in Masala's area. He got sick, again, while I was at work (because he eats, like, everything he sees, even bird poop) and I had to clean it up. This took approximately 1 hour. Then he had to be walked. This also took approimately 1 hour.

So it's almost 7pm and I haven't made it to the gym yet. I know that if I go, I won't get home until at least 8:30. Ugh. I really hate getting home that late, and I really hate eating late. On weekends it's not as big of a deal, but on work nights I don't like to go to bed later than midnight; when my meal is past 9pm, it's really hard to go to sleep before 12:30am. Also, there is nowhere to leave Masala - his room is all wet from mopping and disinfecting, as is his crate. I can't leave him in the kitchen because he'll chew the cabinets and molding while I'm gone.

All of this is to say that in light of the cleaning and the walking of the dog, I elected to forego my trip to the gym tonight. Ordinarily I'd just make up for it and use this as my "rest" day. However, tomorrow I head out of town for a conference, so it's very likely I won't work out Wed/Thur/Fri as well. I may get a run in tomorrow before I leave, and I intend to do some yoga in the hotel room...but you just never know. I had really been counting on tonight's work out in order to stick to my regiment.

Basically, this post is just me getting it out instead of guilt eating. It's not flashy, it's not funny, it's not even particularly well-written. I just needed to say, "Yes, guilt fairy. I hear you. Now please shut up and cut me a little break."

Honestly, I just need to learn to be less hard on myself. I have always been and will forever continue to be my own worst critic - my mom is constantly telling me that I am doing the best I can - with work, with the dog, with everything. But I feel like you know, I should work harder, there is always more I can be doing. I just gotta realize that sometimes, it's ok not to. It's ok to rest every so often. I am not superwoman and I just need to accept it.

I have not abandoned this blog...

or the ideas and hopes on which I founded it.

I have just been obsessing about things at work instead of obsessing about food.

I have made a March commitment to get my ass back into shape. I went to the doctor today and I have now officially gained 10 lbs in the 6 months since I started work. Ugh. Clothes starting to be a little tight.

Basically, I cannot afford new clothes, so I'm going to have to figure out how to nail this shit.

On the bright side, I found a new favorite snack: Wasabi peas. They are sort of salty, sort of spicy - and the best part is that the wasabi won't let you eat them that quickly, so you are forced to pace yourself and not really binge.

Of course, I just got freaked out about a possible tornado coming through my town in the middle of the night and now cannot sleep and thus have eaten lots of peanut butter to make myself feel better...but hell, I did spinning tonight, so eh. Whatevs. I just don't want to die in the tornado AND be hungry, right?

Blogging through it

This is the first time I've tried this.

Right now, at this very moment, I desperately want to eat buffalo flavored pretzel chips. These chips are like crack to me. I want just a couple...but they are seriously addictive and it's very hard to stop crunching on the salty-spicy goodness of it all.

(You're probably thinking - why don't I just not buy the damn things? Well, I'm already doing that with about 900 other items, including my favorite food of all time - chips and salsa - so in effect, fucking buffalo pretzel chips are my guilty pleasure. Eaten in moderation, and at the right time, they are an acceptable vice, in my book. A girl needs some pleasure in life, so I keep these around. That's just how it is.)

I've already eaten a somewhat nutritious dinner of Thai veggies and noodles and had two chocolate-covered marshmallows for dessert. That was a couple of hours ago. I just ate a rice cake because I swear I was hungry. Yes, I like rice cakes, shut up. (Really, I have an affinity for anything bland or salty that crunches. I really, really like the bland, salty crunch.)

Tonight I have gone to kickboxing as well as taken Masala for two 20-25 minute walks. If I stop right now, it might be a net loss in terms of calorie burning outweighing calorie intake...if nothing else, it will probably be a wash. But if I bust into the pretzels...it's all up in the air, and I'll feel like shit, regardless of the scientology of it all.

I'm writing this blog, hoping to push through the moment. The moment I talked about taking control of the other day. The moment when I give in and the snacking takes over.

Wow. Why is this so hard? Seriously. It shouldn't be that difficult,
but I guess it's just so easy to misstep, and it's like teetering on the edge of a cliff.

Ok. The feeling has passed. For now. Wrigley's Doublemint, I may owe you my life. Ladies and gentlemen(?) reading my blog, thanks for your patience and non-judgment.

The devil in my cabinet.

Small Successes

Hurray! It's been a relatively successful weekend. Friday night I did eat pizza and gummi candy, but it was an improvement from every other night this week.

Yesterday was my best day in ages. Cereal for breakfast, Coke Zero and popcorn and Luna bar for lunch (hey, I was at the movie theatre), delicious couscous (with tomato, kale, chickpeas, and feta mixed in) for dinner. I bought some way yummy fruit bars for dessert and that was it. Although it wasn't a perfect day, I'm just happy I didn't compulsively eat pretzels at 10:45pm. Baby steps.

During the day today I barely ate anything. I just kind of ran out time. I ate some breakfast, then watched some tv and before I knew it, it was time for my kayaking lesson. Two hours later, I'm rushing home to feed Masala and change, then heading out the door for a Super Bowl party about an hour away. I did indulge in lots of junky food at the party, but I don't think it was any more than anyone else. Again, no compulsive eating alone, so that's another check in the win column.

Wow. This post is way boring. Sorry. I'll try harder next time, but I felt some positive was needed to balance out all the negative I've been putting out there lately.

Now, I need sleep. You know people that don't get enough sleep are more likely to eat crappy food and more of it? I'm pretty sure I read that somewhere.... Anyway, I'm gonna use it as an excuse to get all the sleep I can.

Ideas to work on

Thanks so much to everyone who commented and supported me. This morning as I was going to work I was thinking, "Mmm. Did I really write all that personal stuff last night? Maybe I should take it down or they'll think I've lost my damn mind." It means a lot that you guys are behind me in talking about this. And also, I think all of you are gorgeous, beautiful women, with or without food/body issues.

I honestly am hoping that talking about it will help. Last night I hit a point where I was like, "damn, something, anything needs to change." My podcast yoga instructor is always telling us, "If you do what you always do, you'll get what you've always gotten." And what I am doing, not so good in the results department, so we'll see where this blog takes us.

Today on my walk with Masala, I started thinking of ways to occupy my time at night that don't involve eating nearly an entire bag of pretzel chips.

So far I've come up with this:
* Writing about wanting to eat pretzel chips on this blog
* Compiling new workout mixes on my mp3 player
* Cleaning the house (this...will never happen, at least not at 9pm on a work night)
* Practising Masala's frisbee-catching skills
* Reading (The problem here is that I like to have something to nibble while I read. I don't know why, it's just more of an "event")

Ok, that's not a lot, but it's a start. I also need to find other ways to reward myself and to deal with emotion - I'm totally a person that eats both when happy and sad. Honestly, I don't have a problem with celebratory eating or binges every once in awhile. I think that's simply part of life. My difficulty is that lately it's more and more frequent and the compulsiveness with which I eat...almost no disregard to what I'm actually doing or tasting...that's what's disturbing me. I think in many ways food is just my self-medication; it's my alcohol, my crack, my addiction, except that I can't totally quit food, I've just got to learn how to eat it properly.

Enough self-analysis already. Lost is premiering in like 3 minutes and I need to assume the position on the couch. (Sans pretzel chips)

Facing the Truth

I have food issues. I suppose I always have. I was a chubby little girl until high school when I began to have "curves" and got more intense with sports. Throughout college and thereafter I yo-yo-ed, depending on how often I was working out. About six years ago I got my weight under control and have not really changed sizes very much in that time.

My current issue has been around probably my entire life, but it is only within the last couple of years that I have noticed it's existence. I binge eat. It usually lasts 20-45 minutes, but has gone on longer. It used to happen only during periods of high stress - like when I was really overworked in law school and kind of procrastinating doing my reading or studying.

Lately, though, it seems to happen every night. At this point I'm not sure if I'm doing it because I do it or because I expect myself to do it. I know it's coming and I try to steel myself against it. But I can't. I think of a food that I have in my pantry, and it doesn't even occur to me not to eat it. Ok, it occurs to me, but that thought is ridiculous at the time. There is no way I cannot eat it once it enters my head.

Normally it starts off healthy. I have just finished showering post-work out and it's dinnertime. I eat dinner. Sometimes dinner is the catalyst and I'll just keep eating and eating until I feel as big as my house. Sometimes I quit eating dinner after a normal amount and the binge happens two hours later when I feel "snacky."

Here's the thing: I'm not even really sure if it's a problem or just something I've created. I mean, I'm pretty sure it's a problem, because it makes me feel guilty and crappy about myself, but biologically, it's unclear. I'm not overweight. The stuff I eat is pretty healthy, relatively speaking (I mean, who binges on cottage cheese and Triscuits? LAME.). I also work out a fair amount. I walk the dog for about an hour every day and 4-5 days a week I work out an hour or hour and a half at the gym (or yoga) as well. So far, my clothes fit fine. For all I know, I'm miscalculating my caloric intake and the binge is just due to needing more calories because my metabolism is high these days.

But I'm scared. I don't like this behavior, and I know that soon enough it's going to catch up with me. Luckily, I can't make myself throw up, so I'm not in any danger of developing bulimia (and well, I clearly have no willpower, so I won't be anorexic anytime soon). Truth be told, I have tried it, though. Once I even looked up on the internet and tried to make a concoction to make myself puke. I learned my lesson: that shit was NASTY and I didn't even drink it all. Worst of all, it only made me nauseous, and I never puked. (Clearly, that is its own problem, but seriously, attempts or thoughts to attempt puking have not happened in a long while, though I will cop to wishing I could because I felt so gross afterward.)

Truth be told, it does get worse the week before my period (TMI: which happens to be now), and that's when I get most down on myself. Also, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that it's probably triggered by being in a new town...feelings of loneliness, boredom, and super-stress at work (which is killing me emotionally these days).

The point of all this rambling: I'm starting this blog to help myself deal with the urge to binge. It is here that I will try to come and vent instead of to the cabinet or refrigerator. It is here that I might confess my latest intake. It is here that I hope to document my successes. Because I have so much else to say and did not want this to begin to define my original blog, I created this space for eating issue purposes only. I don't know how often I will update, just as often as I feel the need to I suppose.

I invite anyone to comment whatever they like on this blog (and hell, do so anonymously, I don't care). If you can relate, please, please do so. If you want to give advice, I'm all ears. Honestly, if you want to tell me to PUT THE PEANUT BUTTER DOWN YOU FAT BITCH, then maybe I need to hear it.

Welcome to my nightmare.