Thanks so much to everyone who commented and supported me. This morning as I was going to work I was thinking, "Mmm. Did I really write all that personal stuff last night? Maybe I should take it down or they'll think I've lost my damn mind." It means a lot that you guys are behind me in talking about this. And also, I think all of you are gorgeous, beautiful women, with or without food/body issues.
I honestly am hoping that talking about it will help. Last night I hit a point where I was like, "damn, something, anything needs to change." My podcast yoga instructor is always telling us, "If you do what you always do, you'll get what you've always gotten." And what I am doing, not so good in the results department, so we'll see where this blog takes us.
Today on my walk with Masala, I started thinking of ways to occupy my time at night that don't involve eating nearly an entire bag of pretzel chips.
So far I've come up with this:
* Writing about wanting to eat pretzel chips on this blog
* Compiling new workout mixes on my mp3 player
* Cleaning the house (this...will never happen, at least not at 9pm on a work night)
* Practising Masala's frisbee-catching skills
* Reading (The problem here is that I like to have something to nibble while I read. I don't know why, it's just more of an "event")
Ok, that's not a lot, but it's a start. I also need to find other ways to reward myself and to deal with emotion - I'm totally a person that eats both when happy and sad. Honestly, I don't have a problem with celebratory eating or binges every once in awhile. I think that's simply part of life. My difficulty is that lately it's more and more frequent and the compulsiveness with which I eat...almost no disregard to what I'm actually doing or tasting...that's what's disturbing me. I think in many ways food is just my self-medication; it's my alcohol, my crack, my addiction, except that I can't totally quit food, I've just got to learn how to eat it properly.
Enough self-analysis already. Lost is premiering in like 3 minutes and I need to assume the position on the couch. (Sans pretzel chips)
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Facing the Truth
I have food issues. I suppose I always have. I was a chubby little girl until high school when I began to have "curves" and got more intense with sports. Throughout college and thereafter I yo-yo-ed, depending on how often I was working out. About six years ago I got my weight under control and have not really changed sizes very much in that time.
My current issue has been around probably my entire life, but it is only within the last couple of years that I have noticed it's existence. I binge eat. It usually lasts 20-45 minutes, but has gone on longer. It used to happen only during periods of high stress - like when I was really overworked in law school and kind of procrastinating doing my reading or studying.
Lately, though, it seems to happen every night. At this point I'm not sure if I'm doing it because I do it or because I expect myself to do it. I know it's coming and I try to steel myself against it. But I can't. I think of a food that I have in my pantry, and it doesn't even occur to me not to eat it. Ok, it occurs to me, but that thought is ridiculous at the time. There is no way I cannot eat it once it enters my head.
Normally it starts off healthy. I have just finished showering post-work out and it's dinnertime. I eat dinner. Sometimes dinner is the catalyst and I'll just keep eating and eating until I feel as big as my house. Sometimes I quit eating dinner after a normal amount and the binge happens two hours later when I feel "snacky."
Here's the thing: I'm not even really sure if it's a problem or just something I've created. I mean, I'm pretty sure it's a problem, because it makes me feel guilty and crappy about myself, but biologically, it's unclear. I'm not overweight. The stuff I eat is pretty healthy, relatively speaking (I mean, who binges on cottage cheese and Triscuits? LAME.). I also work out a fair amount. I walk the dog for about an hour every day and 4-5 days a week I work out an hour or hour and a half at the gym (or yoga) as well. So far, my clothes fit fine. For all I know, I'm miscalculating my caloric intake and the binge is just due to needing more calories because my metabolism is high these days.
But I'm scared. I don't like this behavior, and I know that soon enough it's going to catch up with me. Luckily, I can't make myself throw up, so I'm not in any danger of developing bulimia (and well, I clearly have no willpower, so I won't be anorexic anytime soon). Truth be told, I have tried it, though. Once I even looked up on the internet and tried to make a concoction to make myself puke. I learned my lesson: that shit was NASTY and I didn't even drink it all. Worst of all, it only made me nauseous, and I never puked. (Clearly, that is its own problem, but seriously, attempts or thoughts to attempt puking have not happened in a long while, though I will cop to wishing I could because I felt so gross afterward.)
Truth be told, it does get worse the week before my period (TMI: which happens to be now), and that's when I get most down on myself. Also, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that it's probably triggered by being in a new town...feelings of loneliness, boredom, and super-stress at work (which is killing me emotionally these days).
The point of all this rambling: I'm starting this blog to help myself deal with the urge to binge. It is here that I will try to come and vent instead of to the cabinet or refrigerator. It is here that I might confess my latest intake. It is here that I hope to document my successes. Because I have so much else to say and did not want this to begin to define my original blog, I created this space for eating issue purposes only. I don't know how often I will update, just as often as I feel the need to I suppose.
I invite anyone to comment whatever they like on this blog (and hell, do so anonymously, I don't care). If you can relate, please, please do so. If you want to give advice, I'm all ears. Honestly, if you want to tell me to PUT THE PEANUT BUTTER DOWN YOU FAT BITCH, then maybe I need to hear it.
Welcome to my nightmare.
My current issue has been around probably my entire life, but it is only within the last couple of years that I have noticed it's existence. I binge eat. It usually lasts 20-45 minutes, but has gone on longer. It used to happen only during periods of high stress - like when I was really overworked in law school and kind of procrastinating doing my reading or studying.
Lately, though, it seems to happen every night. At this point I'm not sure if I'm doing it because I do it or because I expect myself to do it. I know it's coming and I try to steel myself against it. But I can't. I think of a food that I have in my pantry, and it doesn't even occur to me not to eat it. Ok, it occurs to me, but that thought is ridiculous at the time. There is no way I cannot eat it once it enters my head.
Normally it starts off healthy. I have just finished showering post-work out and it's dinnertime. I eat dinner. Sometimes dinner is the catalyst and I'll just keep eating and eating until I feel as big as my house. Sometimes I quit eating dinner after a normal amount and the binge happens two hours later when I feel "snacky."
Here's the thing: I'm not even really sure if it's a problem or just something I've created. I mean, I'm pretty sure it's a problem, because it makes me feel guilty and crappy about myself, but biologically, it's unclear. I'm not overweight. The stuff I eat is pretty healthy, relatively speaking (I mean, who binges on cottage cheese and Triscuits? LAME.). I also work out a fair amount. I walk the dog for about an hour every day and 4-5 days a week I work out an hour or hour and a half at the gym (or yoga) as well. So far, my clothes fit fine. For all I know, I'm miscalculating my caloric intake and the binge is just due to needing more calories because my metabolism is high these days.
But I'm scared. I don't like this behavior, and I know that soon enough it's going to catch up with me. Luckily, I can't make myself throw up, so I'm not in any danger of developing bulimia (and well, I clearly have no willpower, so I won't be anorexic anytime soon). Truth be told, I have tried it, though. Once I even looked up on the internet and tried to make a concoction to make myself puke. I learned my lesson: that shit was NASTY and I didn't even drink it all. Worst of all, it only made me nauseous, and I never puked. (Clearly, that is its own problem, but seriously, attempts or thoughts to attempt puking have not happened in a long while, though I will cop to wishing I could because I felt so gross afterward.)
Truth be told, it does get worse the week before my period (TMI: which happens to be now), and that's when I get most down on myself. Also, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that it's probably triggered by being in a new town...feelings of loneliness, boredom, and super-stress at work (which is killing me emotionally these days).
The point of all this rambling: I'm starting this blog to help myself deal with the urge to binge. It is here that I will try to come and vent instead of to the cabinet or refrigerator. It is here that I might confess my latest intake. It is here that I hope to document my successes. Because I have so much else to say and did not want this to begin to define my original blog, I created this space for eating issue purposes only. I don't know how often I will update, just as often as I feel the need to I suppose.
I invite anyone to comment whatever they like on this blog (and hell, do so anonymously, I don't care). If you can relate, please, please do so. If you want to give advice, I'm all ears. Honestly, if you want to tell me to PUT THE PEANUT BUTTER DOWN YOU FAT BITCH, then maybe I need to hear it.
Welcome to my nightmare.
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