Guilt

Last week I went for my dreaded annual check-up. It was my first visit with this doctor; he ended up looking like a "woodsy" version of McSteamy, with slightly less muscular build, so needless to say the visit was more pleasant than I anticipated. ANYWAY, the point is that during the Q/A before the exam, the nurse asked me if I drink caffeine. I told her "2 cups of tea, maximum, per week." This was totally true. In fact, before I started my job, I'd say that even 1 cup of tea per week was unusual.

Now, just one week later, and I'm thinking I may need to revise my stance on this with the doctor. I've found that a glass of tea with lunch helps to curb afternoon snacking in the office - and since I also found out that I've officially gained 10 lbs since starting work, well, I'm beginning to think that drinking that glass of tea with lunch ain't such a bad idea.

Of course, me being me, I feel bad about this. Do I need to call the nurse and have her change my profile? Does this change anything? Is this maybe not the best idea for weight loss? Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

And there's more. Those 10 extra pounds - I gotta lose 'em. My clothes are becoming snugger and I simply can't afford to buy new suits. Also, bathing suit season is coming up, and it's best if I can stand to look in the mirror without complete and utter self-loathing. This means I've put myself on a strict gym regiment. I'm not overdoing it; I'm just forcing myself to go more frequently and re-shaping some of my food choices.

Today was supposed to be a "weights" day at the gym. I hate weights day. It's boring and I don't feel like I get as good of a workout as I do when I do cardio. Sometimes I add a little cardio at the end, but today I wasn't going to have time. Well, this evening I arrived home to find the grossest puppy wasteland you have ever seen in Masala's area. He got sick, again, while I was at work (because he eats, like, everything he sees, even bird poop) and I had to clean it up. This took approximately 1 hour. Then he had to be walked. This also took approimately 1 hour.

So it's almost 7pm and I haven't made it to the gym yet. I know that if I go, I won't get home until at least 8:30. Ugh. I really hate getting home that late, and I really hate eating late. On weekends it's not as big of a deal, but on work nights I don't like to go to bed later than midnight; when my meal is past 9pm, it's really hard to go to sleep before 12:30am. Also, there is nowhere to leave Masala - his room is all wet from mopping and disinfecting, as is his crate. I can't leave him in the kitchen because he'll chew the cabinets and molding while I'm gone.

All of this is to say that in light of the cleaning and the walking of the dog, I elected to forego my trip to the gym tonight. Ordinarily I'd just make up for it and use this as my "rest" day. However, tomorrow I head out of town for a conference, so it's very likely I won't work out Wed/Thur/Fri as well. I may get a run in tomorrow before I leave, and I intend to do some yoga in the hotel room...but you just never know. I had really been counting on tonight's work out in order to stick to my regiment.

Basically, this post is just me getting it out instead of guilt eating. It's not flashy, it's not funny, it's not even particularly well-written. I just needed to say, "Yes, guilt fairy. I hear you. Now please shut up and cut me a little break."

Honestly, I just need to learn to be less hard on myself. I have always been and will forever continue to be my own worst critic - my mom is constantly telling me that I am doing the best I can - with work, with the dog, with everything. But I feel like you know, I should work harder, there is always more I can be doing. I just gotta realize that sometimes, it's ok not to. It's ok to rest every so often. I am not superwoman and I just need to accept it.

I have not abandoned this blog...

or the ideas and hopes on which I founded it.

I have just been obsessing about things at work instead of obsessing about food.

I have made a March commitment to get my ass back into shape. I went to the doctor today and I have now officially gained 10 lbs in the 6 months since I started work. Ugh. Clothes starting to be a little tight.

Basically, I cannot afford new clothes, so I'm going to have to figure out how to nail this shit.

On the bright side, I found a new favorite snack: Wasabi peas. They are sort of salty, sort of spicy - and the best part is that the wasabi won't let you eat them that quickly, so you are forced to pace yourself and not really binge.

Of course, I just got freaked out about a possible tornado coming through my town in the middle of the night and now cannot sleep and thus have eaten lots of peanut butter to make myself feel better...but hell, I did spinning tonight, so eh. Whatevs. I just don't want to die in the tornado AND be hungry, right?